CD Dons – Episode 9: El Empire Strikes Back! | @Emsonite

If you don’t know Deano by now, you will never, never, never know me…wait hang on, that was Simply Red, not Deano. Here’s the main man from Costa del Dons:

Recap of Rules & Objectives

  • Vinny Jones captain.
  • Only players with Aggression 18+ allowed
  • Hurt the opposition; fan prizes for sending offs, opposition injuries and total disciplinary points.
  • Thug-o-Meter; every CD Dons game is won, drawn or lost on injuries and cards (5 for a red, 3 for an injury, 1 for a yellow). +3 pts for a win, -1 for a draw, -3 for a loss. At the end of the season, I need to be in positive points, or I’ll get the sack.
  • Beat last season’s tally of +40 for extra quadruple pints for the fans
  • Spanish FA really don’t want us to get promoted or to win anything, pfft.

CD Dons have made a great start to life in La Liga, picking up 8 yellows and injuring 1 player in our first 2 games. We welcome Espanyol in our next match, full of confidence. We are CD Dons, I bet they are running scared!

But the Spanish are fed up with being made into mincemeat and have embarked on a new devious plan. There are rumours of state-sponsored doping using only the finest steroids from the heart of the South Wales Valleys. (Icarus 2 butt coming soon on Netflix.)

Espanyol have been preparing all week for this. And Pochettino’s men completely humiliate us in front of our own fans. Smashing us all over the park.

  • 0-2 on injuries
  • 0-3 on yellows
  • 0-2 on goals

The Spanish are fighting back! Everyone hates CD Dons. And to see us get a taste of our own medicine brings smiles and evil laughs all over the country. Including from the King of Spain himself

As the dust settles, we remember Espanyol also knocked us out of the Kings Cup last season. They are now officially installed as CD Dons fierce rivals. They may have won the battle, but they will not win the war! We will have our revenge; Vinny swears it over post-match beers.

Changes are needed. New signing Esnaider is available after suspension. Ahh Hristo & Mostovoi also come into the team.

We start to rebuild as we draw our next 2 games before getting back on track with a 0-2 win against Sociedad.

The Thug-O-Meter is back up to +4.

Then we get another morale boost as The Little Shit returns after an injury picked up in pre-season.

We take the next game 1-2 on yellows away at Valladolid. Fernando Couto has swapped positions with Stuart Pearce and is loving life in nets.

Jones is booked as per usual

Good man.

We all have setbacks in life but it’s how you respond. And that bouncebackability is in full swing in the Kings Cup. Big money signing Esnaider leaves one on Palacios in the 12th minute as he starts to repay the hefty transfer fee. We’re through to the next round in comfortable fashion.

Palacios’ injury brings up yet another tattoo.

Diehard CD Dons fan Graham gets a revenge reminder for Espanyol. An elephant never forgets.

Graham is repeatedly asked for the rest of his days “What you got tattoo’d on your ha—ahhhh. I see it now. It’s an elephant. And his trunk on the finger. That’s cool.”

We are really picking up form as we stuff Gijon at home. Stuart Pearce gets his third red for CD Dons

Which means one lucky fan gets some free merch. Doris from Barry picks up a pair of Mike Airs for her teenage grandson. He’ll wear them in PE class with pride.

We shift some deadwood out on deadline day. With Ariola going to another holiday hotspot in Majorca.

And Macias going to wherever Zaragoza is

And that concludes our summer business.

We must make do with what we’ve got for the next few months and we face our biggest test yet. Away at Real Madrid.

CD Dons have no right to be sharing the same turf as one of the biggest clubs in world football. They are surely going to make us pay. The whole of Spain is behind them and it’s all going to plan when Onopko gives them the lead in the 34th minute. But the country winces as we take a 1-2 lead just after the hour mark and to rub salt into the wounds, Vinny Jones smashes Karembeu with 20 minutes left. Real can’t recover and we turn them over in front of their own fickle supporters.

As ever, the Madrid faithful turn on their own team. They really are the worst fans in the world. And the CD Dons traveling support let them know it. Hala Madrid, my arse.

We reward one of our own the with tattoo to show off around the Costa Del Sol. Kelvin gets a Pikachu.

Pedro’s work, like our form, is so good it’s upgraded to a Raichu.

Madrid lodge formal complaints with the Spanish Government who promise to buy their training ground for an inflated price and sell it back to them below market value in a few weeks’ time. That’ll keep their darlings sweet for another year.

We’ve recovered from our early setback against Espanyol and the La Liga table has us in 3rd

And more importantly, the Thug-o-Meter is looking lovely dinner.

Catch you next week amigos

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