Everything’s Coming up Mulhouse – Part 5

Bonjour! Welcome to season two. In season one, we were so close to everything coming up Mulhouse. Statistically the worst team in French Ligue 2, we overcame a tricky start to go flying up the league and give ourselves an outside chance of promotion. Then it all went tits up and we failed. How do we bounce back? Well, I’ve vowed to solve our dodgy defence and with Sritong-In and Vareille sticking around to score the goals, finding a goalkeeper who doesn’t have crisp packets for hands should be the key to success. Let’s get into season two.

The problem is with this ruddy club is that your normal bog standard go to players aren’t interested in joining. Andrew Mainwaring, of Non-League, would rather remain in Non-League than take a chance in Ligue 2. Maybe that’s just as well, as I need to sort the defence. Florin Prunea is one of those goalkeepers who usually ends up at Coventry or something but he’s on a free. Seems he signed for Padova and had a clause. So he’s mine, mine all mine. His rushing out stat will stop him being brilliant but he should be enough for this level.

Prunea

£150k won’t get you much but it will apparently get you Emanuele Scirocco. What he lacks in flair he makes up for in technique and positioning. In reality though, I’m only bothered about his versatility.

Scirocco

I know I said I’d sort the defence but NATHAN BLAKE wants to join. Squad depth is everything. That heading stat seems a bit harsh but he can run and shoot which makes him a king to our squad.

blake

This kid looks good. He’s probably a re-gen of somebody but if he’s not, we’ve unearthed the new Platini just hopefully without the corruption charges.

Trez

If a 16 year old defender doesn’t sort us out then nothing will.

Maraval

Letang will offer depth. That’s French for the flavour, by the way.

Letang

The season starts with a visit from big Jack Charlton’s Red Star. Refined gent Glenn Pennyfather gives us a lead as we will surely power to our first home win of many.

We lose 3-1. Not really the plan.

red star home

Monocles all round as Pennyfather makes it two in two. That’s an equaliser and when Natigol gets his first of the season, our first win of the season will surely follow. A minute later, it’s 2-2. What a sham.

Toulon away

Home to Nice and as you can see, I’ve done a really good job of sorting that defence out. Prunea has made little to no difference. Olivero briefly reduces the arrears but we lose 3-1. Crikey.

Nice home

The good news just keeps coming as Andrew Duncan is ruled out for 4 months. 16 year old Maraval needs to hit the ground running.

We’re a little bit desperate for a win and away to Le Mans we score three times in 21 minutes. Commentators everywhere have barely had time to run through all the 24 hour gags by the time it is game over. Vareille completes his hat-trick in the second half and we’re up and running.

Le Mans away

It’s back to back hat-tricks! We’re actually 2-0 down as the home faithful start to wonder what they are actually turning up for but two goals just before half time kick start our comeback and Vareille nets his second hat-trick in two games. We’re back baby!

Laval home

Wasquehal are top of the league. However we have Glenn Pennyfather, amongst others. A 4-0 win doesn’t flatter us. MOMENTUM.

Wasqy away

Then we go 2-0 down inside 9 minutes at home to Valence. Nathan Blake does get his first for the club from the bench but this is an atrocious result. One step forward, two steps back.

Valence home

Incidentally, big Jack has gone to Blackburn. Hopefully Red Star will begin to fall down the table now. Meanwhile, we’re off to Ligue 1 Guingamp and what’s more we only bloody win. See you in Round 2 everyone except Guingamp.

Guingamp away

Natigol has been relatively quiet but here he is scoring twice to see off Amiens.

Amiens away

We’re into the top half which is exciting. The hilariously named Angers don’t look likely to do that to me but when they pull it back from 4-1 to 4-3 I can feel the blood pressure rising. Still, we hold on. That defence is tighter than ever as you can see.

Angers home

Relegated Bordeaux should be dominating this league but they’re 13th. Natigol is the latest hat-trick scorer to get us a great win.

Bordeaux away

As usual though we shoot ourselves in the foot and can’t convert an early lead at home into three points. We were flirting with the top three but this result knocks us back a bit.

Saint Etienne home

As does this, away to second place Sochaux. Fiawoo doesn’t sound like a real name.

Sochaux away

Out of the cup, too. Another Ligue 1 side proves to a step too far. Prat indeed.

Le Havre cup

Another early lead is followed by 23 shots without scoring until the arrival of Nathan Blake from the bench settles a home game with Perpignan. They are not very good.

Perpignan home

That does however put us into third! With another 29 matches to come though we are a long way from being able to celebrate. As I mentioned, run away leaders Red Star have lost their gaffer so hopefully they appoint Pardew or somebody equally inept and then they might be dragged back in. Our defence remains poor at best but I don’t know how to resolve that when nobody competent wants to join.

Ligue 1 top November

All we can do is keep developing what we have and hope they get better. If we do get promoted, it will be a blood bath in some games. If you thought the Academy took some hidings I dread to think what will happen here. Ah well, we might not have to worry about that for some time. Join me next week to see if we can move a step closer to Ligue 1.

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