To the wire

Good day to you. I’ve got my feet back under the table at Darlington and have a bit of a job on my hands to try and get promotion at the first attempt. Elsewhere, England look to seal qualification to Euro 2024 and Milan look to defend every title without me. Let’s get on with it.

Firstly, I managed to keep England’s 100% record with a final win in the qualfiying campaign. Beardsley didn’t score so I don’t care

The group for the Euro’s isn’t that bad, but then it’s hard to know who is good anymore 27 seasons down the line

We’ll have full coverage of that in the next update.

Back in the here and now and it’s been a great run of form for Darlington. I’ve had to sell to buy but slowly I’ve formed a team that is just a point off automatic promotion.

I’ll take the playoffs if needs be but we’re in there with about 6 others scrapping for that 2nd spot. Phil Mulryne’s Notts Forest have ran away with it, he is a former Darlington gaffer of course.

I’ve rolled out the old 3-1-3-3 which is very attacking but I felt it was a risk worth taking. Zidane’s re-gen has joined after falling out of favour at Newcastle

So we’re well set for the remaining weeks of the season. This guy had scored 27 in 16, which I thought was worth taking a punt on. He also has a great name

He’s been fairly rubbish so far though, but we’ll see. Our League Cup campaign came to abrupt end at Old Trafford

Mulryne is cruely denied a final place though after a penalties loss, so it’ll be Everton vs Man Utd in the first final of the season.

Everton actually ended our FA Cup campaign in round 4, but they have since been knocked out. Mulryne’s going for it again though!

Meanwhile in Europe, Milan are struggling domestically since I left but they are doing well in trying to retain their Champions League title

Arsenal haven’t been the same without Haslam, but that’s life.

But domestically, what on earth has Savino done to them?

Disgusting. Anyway, it’s Leeds who top the Premier League, closely followed by Colcombe’s Chelsea. Beardsley has Man City well placed in 4th, though he still isn’t picking himself. He’s 63 now and City are also on the verge of making the UEFA Cup final, bidding to retain the trophy they won. Arsenal are 5th trying to defend their Premier League title.

It’s looking very dicey indeed for Middlesbrough, they are looknig a bit cut adrift along with Burnley. It can all change though as the pressure grows!

So then, another update banked and we’re now on the way to Euro 2024. Can I go there with a spring in my step with promotion in my back pocket? We’ll find out next time. Here’s 63 year old Peter Beardsley to see us out

Look at his 9 assists in the last 2 season internationally! He doesn’t have 19 creativity for nothing. See you next time!

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Wish it and it will happen

Did somebody say Season 27? Well regardless, that’s where we are now, the 23/24 season promises much and ends with Portugal 2024. England are just a point away from qualifying with 3 games to go, and even then I could play a team of Peter Beardsley’s and still get through on goal difference. But this, my friends, is an update of great change. It’s all happening. In the words of Monday night football in the 90s, here we go here we go here we go THIS IS IT!

I’ll try and do this in chronological order, to really tell a story. Firstly, the managers seat at Everton needs filling. This is…actually quite feasible.

Going back to his roots, I like it.

Steve Haslam wins the Charity Shield as the curtain lifts on another drama filled season

I want to leave Milan but nowhere takes my fancy, I’m desperate for the Darlington job. We win a surprisingly entertaining Italian Charity Shield

We save the defensive stuff for Serie A. Just as I’m contemplating another all conquering season, IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED

Feethams, I am coming home.

Unsurprisingly the board jump at the opportunity to appoint a Multi Champions League winning club legend. If you are new to the blog, I started this career at Darlington and took them to Champions League glory. Now though they sit marooned midtable in Division 1, with a mess of a squad and some re-building to do

It’s going to take some sorting out but time is on our side.

Our first win arrives at White Hart Lane

Meanwhile it seems the rest of the world is going manager crazy

Spain qualify for the Euros but the manager…just doesn’t fancy it. Who do you get?

Obviously. Haslam follows in my footsteps and takes the Spain gig. Hopefully we meet in the final. Arsenal opt for former Liverpool failure big Des

He has taken Stoke to the Prem but they could surely have done better. Milan replace me with Roma’s manager

Chelsea also decide to get involved and sack Dean Chandler

For the second time in this save, Chelsea poach Man Utd’s manager.

Man Utd have no care and take Unsworth from Liverpool.

Unsworth has no morals. The former Everton man has done great work at Liverpool and now Manchester United. Having said that, he leaves Liverpool 18th in Division 1.

In the middle of all that, England secured qualification by winning game 8 and then going on to win game 9 of their campaign

Beardsley digs deep with 10 men to see off Wales

One more for the old man. Lovely stuff.

Meanwhile it’s a period of transition at Darlington but there are signs that things are turning round, this is a big derby win in the pointless cup

The reward? Plymouth away.

When things need improving, you can always rely on a certain Ivory Coast re-gen.

Division 1 is notoriosuly unpredictable though. I mean, who saw this coming?

For those wondering, Swindon had both goalkeepers injured and a full squad. Silly boys.

So as we enter November, we’re just 6 points off the playoffs but we need to hit a run of form sooner rather than later. Goals are a problem.

In the Premier League, Chelsea are probably justified in sacking their manager

It’s very tight at the top though, that could turn into an epic battle as the season goes on. Even Beardsley is in there! Some rough starts at the bottom but there are already 4 looking a bit adrift.

So with that, we’ve reached the end of another update. Milan sit in 11th in Serie A, which I think says more about Alberto Savino than me. But join me next time as we look to take Darlo back to the big time, it’s going to be a long old slog!

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A Fine Wine

Good hello to you all, and welcome to the final months of season 26. It’s 2023 and, with no tournament this summer, England are focusing on maintaining their 100% record in qualification for Euro 2024, spearheaded by 62 year old Peter Beardsley. Milan are looking to win all 5 trophies they are in for whilst Bryan Robson looks to finally break his league title duck.

As ever though, let’s start with the least important.

League Cup

Aston Villa take on Man Utd. NOBODY CARES.

I guess that’s a shock? Nothing is really a shock in 2023. Let’s move on.

FA Cup

I do wonder if the famous cup competition still gets decent coverage in 2023? Anyway, it’s failure again for Man Utd, this time at the hands of Sheff Wed. Swansea, battling relegation, stun Newcastle in the other semi.

Damien Johnson is slowly destroying my Newcastle legacy. Anyway, Sheff Wed vs Swansea is the final everybody wanted. Especially Sheff Wed.

So there you go. FA Cup Magic.

My Milan side went on the hunt for their own bit of history, trying to win all 5 of the competitions we entered this season. With the World Club Cup and the European Super Cup already secured (be still my beating heart) next on the list was the Italian FA Cup, or the Coppa Italia is you speak the lingo

The drama is taken out of it somewhat by the final being over 2 legs. That will never catch on. Anyway, that’s three. Let’s get the fourth

Great. We absolutely pissed Serie A. That’s four!

Champions League

The final piece of this silvery jigsaw is the Champions League, can we retain it?

Phew. Bryan Robson’s lads gave us a real scare but we’re in the final to face Spanish champions Hercules. We’ll have to do it without star man Horodouto, who has picked up an injury

It matters not, we are the champions again. The champions of everything. The squad have done a great job

I’ve focused a lot on Peter Beardsley as a player but he’s now earning his corn as a manager as well. Here he is making the UEFA Cup final.

Subbing himself off after 33 minutes. Bold decision.

It’s an all English final against Aston Villa. You know the rest.

Just the 70 minutes for the main man but he lifts the trophy. I’m like a proud Dad. Or Grandson. Whatever.

Can he keep Man City up though?

Premier League

We’ll focus on the top of the table first, and would you believe it, Bryan Robson has blown another title challenge. So badly in fact they’ve dropped to 4th. STEVE HASLAM WINS THE LEAGUE

It’s a goal difference win, had Blackburn managed to win at Hull they would have won it. But they didn’t, and Arsenal win title at Old Trafford. Drama.

As you’ll see, Man City used their UEFA Cup form as a springboard and their form post March was outstanding. Beardsley’s done it, they’re safe!

Sadly, my old mate Owen Wellens is relegated with Tranmere. Newcastle are reduced to mid table fodder, finishing just a point ahead of Beardsley.

It’s all too much for some

He’s World Cup 1990 team mate though is like a fine wine. Here he is scoring twice for his country in a 7-0 rout

What a guy. England will qualify, wins over Iceland and Bosnia mean we are 7 for 7 and packing our bags for Portugal 2024

Just a point needed but I want 10 out of 10. So does this man

Give all the awards to me

Give all the awards to…Francis Jeffers?

So there we are, another season in the bag. I’m excited for Euro 2024 and so is Peter Beardsley. I’ve done all there is to do with Milan and now I must decide what to do next. There’s only one club I want to return to, but the job isn’t available. Bring me home, Darlington.

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Five will make you get down

Good day! It’s 2023, and I don’t mean nearly 25 past 8 at night, I mean 7 years from now. So what is prompting me to hark back nearly 25 years for the title of this blog? Well you’ll just have to read on.

I’m hoping this is my last season at Milan, the squad is probably the strongest I’ve ever assembled and as a result I don’t suppose it’s particularly exciting hearing about the latest dominance. With that in mind, we’ve got a World Club Cup to win

Whoop de doo. The Super Cup makes it a double

A crushing win in Paris gave me the chance to rest a few in the return leg and they were never going to overturn a 5-1 deficit. With two trophies in the bag, we’re looking well set in the Champions League too, coming through the group for the loss of just two goals

The Quarter Final sees us face Rangers, but they are powerless to resist the Milan juggernaut.

The semis will be a bit tougher, facing Bryan Robson’s Everton.

So hopefully that will be trophy 3, and we’re odds on for number 4 after Perugia shocked Fiorentina in the cup semis.

We weren’t particularly good against Cesena but we’ve got it done.

Wrap it all up with Serie A – 10 points clear with 8 to play, and that’s it. Five will make you get down!

Whether we win all 5 remains to be seen but that’s the aim of the game.

Back home and the first final of the season is set

As you’ll see in a short while, Scott Colcombe is under a bit of pressure at Man Utd after the Champions League exit but they are still going in the FA Cup too

Colcombe’s Manchester neighbour Peter Beardsley is having a strange old season. Stuck in the bottom 3, you would expect him to be under a little bit of pressure. However a bold UEFA Cup run has probably, if anything, enhanced his reputation

The fact he still picks himself at 62 is a minor detail. They’ll face Fiorentina in the last 4.

Only one England game has taken place in this update, an exciting 1-0 win in Albania. Beardsley didn’t score but he did play the full 90 on his 72nd cap. Determination: 20. You bet!

That pace, stamina, strength…and influence of 1 when you are the manager. Not very adaptable. So many questions to answer, no wonder he’s delighted.

At the top of the league is your friend and mine Steve Haslam

Bryan Robson is on for yet another 2nd placed finish, and his second in a row with Everton, although Blackburn are well placed to overtake them. Man Utd though…is Van Gaal back in charge!? 19 scored and 14 conceded in 28 games. So very, very dull.

The bottom of the table is pretty grim for Kidderminster

Season tickets in Manchester can’t even be given away. 40 goals between them. I hope Beardsley gets City out of the bottom 3 though, I can’t face him being relegated. Look at Newcastle, after all that hard work in rebuilding them Damien Johnson is on the verge of blowing the house down. What a tit.

So that’s another update in the bag, join me next time for the season finale and it includes THREE England qualifiers. See you then!

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Life Swap

Greetings from season 26. In a world where a 61 year old Peter Beardsley has inspired England to World Cup glory, you might wonder where we go from here. You’re right to be concerned, it’s an uneasy time for us all. But with Euro 2024 qualification underway, you’ll be glad to know the fame has gone to Pedro’s head and the consequences are worrying. I’ll elaborate…

Firstly though, some managerial movement. Chelsea fill their vacancy with this vagrant

Sheff Wed need yet another new manager and after presumably trying to get Bryan Robson again, they opt for Kieron Dyer

Derby appoint a guy called Richard Fashanu. Dick Fashanu. Make your own jokes.

Some things never change, like the Charity Shield. Obviously it did actually change to the Community Shield some years after the release of this game, but I mean it always opens the season

Alex Ferguson scoring against Man Utd is an irony that is not lost on me. Also, Vinny Ironside. great names, great characters.

In this parallel universe, David Beckham doesn’t have it all. In fact, he has very little. Here, he plumbs new depths by being sacked from Chester City

You’d be forgiven for thinking Beckham and Beardsley should maybe swap

I’m still Milan manager, it’s probably the best side I’ve managed and that is saying something. They’re just brutal, and other than the odd game where the opposition keeper has a worldie, we usually win. The Champions League group isn’t too bad either

As you’d expect with a group like that, we’re under a little bit of pressure from Dortmund but having beaten them at the San Siro, I’d imagine we’ll get through either way given how good our goal difference is compared to the German side.

We’re also going along nicely in the Coppa Italia

I think I’d like to win everything this year, and then ideally the Darlington job will be available and I can rebuild them. Fingers crossed.

We’re also top of the league but it’s still very early days

With the World Club Cup and the European Super Cup still to come, we’ve got plenty to keep us busy in the winter months.

Back home though and England’s Euro 2024 qualifying campaign is underway. It’s an easy group but we’re nearly undone in game one…until everybody’s favourite pensioner pops up with a late winner

Beardsley has decided to start picking himself for Man City. It was ok when he was in Division 3 doing that but at Premier League level…why Peter? I blame myself by and large by giving him these ideas by picking him for England. He’s still found the time to net a couple for Man City though

Silly Blackburn. What a stallion of a man though.

England went on to win their other 2 qualifiers but Beardsley did nothing but grab an assist in one of them, so I don’t really care.

I am hoping he can fill his boots against Albania and Liechtenstein, as we’ve already beaten the top 3 we’re on good shape to qualify.

As for the Premier League, Steve Haslam’s Arsenal top the pile with Manchester United, Chelsea and…Tranmere in hot pursuit.

Where’s Beardsley you ask? Look down.

So, picking himself may well be his undoing at Man City. He’s not under pressure yet, but I imagine he will be before long.

Another update has come to an end then, but please join me next time as we hope Beardsley survives the winter (in every possible sense). Bye for now.

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Peter, Peter he runs like a Cheater

Welcome to the final update of 2021/22, and what’s more is it’s a World Cup year! Woo. But more on that later on, we’ve got domestic bliss to wrap up first. We’ll start with the Pointless Cup.

League Cup

Oh I am so excited. Haslam vs Hull.

Haslam wins! After extra time mind you but you just can’t defend with tired legs against Tallon and Rastborg. Apparently.

On we go then, FA Cup

FA Cup

Haslam’s at it again, I can’t imagine there was any problem with Man Utd playing Everton at Anfield. Great. Man Utd/Arsenal final is probably better for the neutral

So the old rivalry goes on

A thrilling final, turns out you can handle Tallon and Rastborg if they are left on the bench. But we all know there are bigger fish to fry

Champions League

AC Milan and I get on really well, and as if to underline that point we coast to the final after an entertaining semi final with Marseille.

Atletico Madrid in the final and we’re just too good for them on the night, though we did have the notable advantage of the final being in Italy.

The ratings sum it all up really, we actually went behind against the run of play but we’re in red hot form.

We won Serie A with a couple of games to spare, so it’s all good for me.

And whilst it’s great times for me, it’s less good for Sunderland who drop out of the football league

Still, they’ll have the biggest stadium in the Conference.

Premier League

At the top, Scott Colcombe is bringing the good times back to Old Trafford as they complete a League & FA Cup double. There’s also a return to form for Everton as Bryan Robson continues to finish second continually, but Beardsley narrowly misses out on a European tour. Actually, they might get in because of who the cup finalists were…I guess we’ll find out next time.

At the bottom, Liverpool are the latest big club to fall through the trap door.

Player/Manager Des pays for it

But hold on, Liverpool have got a plan. They bring back a club legend

Now, I know what you are thinking. Unsworth was actually an Everton legend. Well he was, but his first job in manager back in 2008 was player/boss at Liverpool. He won them the Premier League before being lured by the Spain job when I vacated that role back in 2010. So having just won the Spanish league with Real Madrid, it makes perfect sense for him to depart and answer an SOS call. Honourable, and you’ve got to like their chances of coming back at the first attempt.

So with all that in the bag, let’s move on to the Internationals. You may remember last time out I left you with this cliffhanger

I can’t let the public down now, can I?

World Cup

Let’s get this out of the way. Yes, I’ve added myself in as England manager. In my eyes, I can’t have done much more to get the job and it seems to be a technicality that, having managed another country, I am overlooked for all other national jobs. So I don’t feel bad about adding myself in, and it’s a decision that is vindicated as Pedro notches on his re-debut, after his last cap in 1996.

Blimey. The thing is, England are European Champions but I assumed playing with a pensioner as centre forward would cause some problems. It has seemingly galvanised us.

It’s an all European group of Denmark, Yugoslavia and Greece, so that seems fair. I’ve messed up the squad too, so we’ll only go with 21

What happened was…Darren Edmondson (Owen) got injured so I needed to replace him. I then changed my mind on the replacement and withdrew him and it wouldn’t let me put someone else in. Sack the admin. So we’re somewhat short of forwards, given that one is 61 years old there’s a lot of pressure on the two remainding forwards.

The tournament starts with a shock defeat for the hosts

But then it’s time for the main event, Beardsley and friends

Woo. Points on the board.

Bit harsh.

Whatever. Bring on Yugoslavia

This was every bit as grim as it looks. Dennis was injured and Cox suspended, it nearly cost us. But we haven’t conceded a goal in two games and isn’t that really all that matters

Meanwhile, I don’t know what is going on with the Australia squad

25 man squad, 2 keepers on the bench…only 3 subs. WHAT!?

Back to business though and a point against Greece will see us through

Cometh the hour, cometh the man. I think that makes him the oldest World Cup scorer. I doubt it’ll be beaten.

So that’s us through, here’s the final groups

I assumed it would be South Africa for us next but apparently it’s a more random draw.

I’m immediately drawn to the fact that Brazil are in our quarter. That can’t end well. Anyway, Bolivia first.

Goodness me. Two minutes away from elimination. Lethal pens though.

We might have avoided a shock but Italy are not as lucky.

Obviously it is my striker who misses the decisive pen. Brazil scrape through to meet us in the last 8

Pick your winner! You’ve got to be happy if you are France

Brazil then. They’re good.

Good grief. A topsy turvy game and perhaps unsurprisingly, Beardsley has nothing to do with any of the goals. But what a win!

It could be a repeat of hte 1990 semi final (well, sort of, West Germany…Germany…work with me here) but Spain are in the way

Two great quarter finals later and it’ll be Spain vs England. France look primed for the final

Away to Spain…

We’re getting good at these Penalties!

Cox plays for Valencia but he might never be allowed in Spain again after snatching us a draw and taking it to extra time. With Mendes suspended, we were down to 2 strikers, and Stuart left on a stretcher. So it was Beardsley on his own at the age of 61 and playing 120 minutes. He survived and slotted his pen. We’re in the final!!

We’ll face France. Shocker.

France absolutely whipped us in a warm up game (we lost 3-0) so I’ve been dreading it coming to this.

First though, we MUST find out who came 3rd

Spain should probably…practice their pens.

Back to the Nou Camp then and would you bloody believe it, we’ve only won the World Cup!

Mendes went off injured so it was Beardsley up front on his own for half an hour. Incredibly, he went on a mazy run and smashed hit shot off the crossbar and Cox knocked in the rebound. Because it sounds unbelievable, here is the proof of the old man’s assist

We’ll ignore the fact he had 7 shots and only one on target. Legend.

Mexico to host 2026, that’ll be a nice way for Pedro to spend his 65th birthday (if the game lets us go that far)

We’ll finish with some awards, firstly Italy

Manager of the year, yippeeee. Here’s England

Beardsley should have got something. But he’s a winner in my heart anyway.

David Platt just can’t sit still. So he’s retired

But the best news of all, Gordon Milne is out of my life!

Still with me? 1200 words later, I’ll wrap this up. I’m already looking forward to Euro 2024 qualification, I’m sure Beardsley will thrive as he edge his way towards 100 caps. In fact, here he is to finish with. See you next time.

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England’s loss…

Good day and welcome to 2022. I am still very bitter after being overlooked for the England job, and I’m taking out my frustrations on…well, pretty much every team in my way. Meanwhile as I am tearing up Italy, some old favourites are stealing the headlines back home. Let’s get to it.

We’ll start with Serie A for a change. In the 90’s, Serie A had a bit of a reputation for being a little bit dull. CM took that to heart and went out of its way to make sure that depiction was inaccurate

What a Sunday. On the plus side, we’ve absolutely dominated the league and with just 6 games to go, we have a 9 point cushion. With our defense still watertight, it’s looking good for us.

One of the reasons our defence has been so good is this chap, who was actually my first signing when I arrived.

He’s now worth £6m and captained Italy on his debut. Because that happens. Anywhoo, the average ratings make for good reading.

And yes, I’ve signed Antonio Carlos (Ronaldo) from Newcastle

We made it through the Champions League group with flying colours, seeing off Dortmund eventually

That lead to an intriguing quarter final tie with Sampdoria, a battle of Italy if you will. We just about egded it.

The semi finals is set up quite nicely with a representative each from 4 of Europe’s stronger nations.

Anyway, Man Utd are going strong in the Champions League but it’s leading to a mighty fixture pile up. They have an FA Cup Quarter Final replay with Hull scheduled for a Friday night of all times. The reward will be a semi final with Bryan Robson’s Everton.

Hull are still quite a threat under Paul Warhurst and that is underlined by their appearance in the pointless cup final, where they will face a resurgent Steve Haslam’s Arsenal.

So Haslam has got his career back on track with two cup runs, and Bryan Robson has made a reutrn to the big time not only with that FA Cup semi final spot, but he’s top of the ruddy league!

We’ve been here so many times with Robson though, and he’s yet to see it through and win the title. This time though…who knows. Aston Villa seems like a boring place to be this season, and would you just look at who’s in fourth!

He’s well on his way to being on a European tour, despite never picking himself. Or maybe that is why. Either way, good luck sir.

The bottom of the table is grim reading for two of England’s bigger clubs.

Liverpool and Chelsea are in a dire situation, David Platt has failed miserably as Le Tissier’s replacement. Sheff Wed had some good times under Bryan Robson but it’s unravelled somewhat and their place in the top flight is under threat. Mass drama.

So that’s it for another update, but we’re homing in on the 2022 World Cup. England’s group is…very European

Spain 2022 – we’ll see you there, especially if I act on the result of this Twitter poll

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